The Magic Cube

I have a dark secret that no one knows about..

Not even my best friend…

I belong to a cult….

Consisting of 3 people, me, *Dr Dennis and Lyn…

Cause every cult needs a PA right…Thank you Lyn for charging me the ghetto rate since 2002

😉

People have this misconception… Why is she still fucked up knowing this guru Dr for 18 years.. Perhaps the fact that I know that I’m fucked up… and can confess to it… that’s the difference between me and a whole lotta other people… that don’t belong to a cult…

When I was younger… I had one of those magic cubes… It didn’t take me very long to get bored … when my aunt told me I can just peel the stickers off….and match the colours.

So my brain is like a magic cube… It turns all the time… 24/7… Hence the *Ambien addiction…And until the colours align… to make sense of a certain situation… It NEVER goes away….ever. My brain is just wired that that way…

So… I’ve made a conscious decision… To much rather live without twinkies… cause its FULL of trans fat…Than to manually change the stickers...

Keep Warm

Cat x

* Dr Dennis= Shrink to very special people

* Ambien = a sleeping tablet that makes you sleep like a dog

Shop Lifting 101

1.…YOU HAVE TO BLEND IN. UNDER NO CIRCIMSTANCE CAN YOU STAND OUT…

• Exhibit A: Bright purple Kenyan Bag  : NO
• Exhibit B : Customise jewelry with your name on : NO
• Exhibit C : Flip flops in 80% chance of rain: NO
• Exhibit D :Over size bright pink rain coat: Absolutely not
• Exhibit E : Masters degree in overall shadiness : A definite no

hdrpl

2…MOST BIG RETAILERS HAVE SECURITY GAURDS DRESSED IN NORMAL CLOTHS. NO MATTER HOW GOOD YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU WILL NEVER KNOW WHO THEY ARE

3…IN W…WHEN YOU PARK YOUR TROLLEY AT THE CHECK OUT POINT, DONT UNPACK EVERTHING. W’S CAMARES ARE ONLY ON THE TELLER, AND WHERE YOUR TROLLEY IS PARKED, IS A BLIND SPOT. NOW HOW DO I KNOW THAT…BEACUSE THEY VERY POLITELY TOLD ME THAT… WHEN…MY BRAND NEW R25 000 CELL GOT STOLEN IN THE 10 SECONDS I LEFT MY TROLLEY TO GRAB A SHOPPING BAG…..

4…WHEN YOU GET COUGHT…DO NOT PHONE YOUR LAYWER…OR YOUR BROTHER…OR YOUR BEST FRIEND…THE ONLY WAY YOU GETTING OFF….IS BY CALLING YOUR SPHYCIATRIST….

So…if you contemplating going into this world of crime…its ABSOLUTELY important to have a SPHYCIATRIST  on speed dial…

Cat x

 

 

What Next….

So just when I get my act together for my new life in Mexico… . COVID happens😩….

And all of a sudden I’m stuck in my 35sq little flat… And I think to myself… If this is the end of the world as we know it…. I might us well eat white bread peanut butter sandwiches and drink orange fanta…And that’s exactly what I did for the first 4 weeks of lockdown …

Until that dreadful moment when the security guard at CLIKS tells me… Haibo CC… YOU FAT…just love her honesty…

So out came the Jane fonda workouts… And all of a sudden I’m working out 4 hours a day… It’s not that easy to motivate yourself, especially in the beginning… when MEH is a serious common denominator for the entire world.. ..except for the Kardashians ofcourse … As cleary plastic surgery is high on the list of COVID survival 🙄

I moved into a high rise building in the concrete jungle… Escaping the bees and polin of the suburbs… But strangely… Even through lockdown… My sinus has morphed from a lever 5 to 20..

How is that remotely possible?

Why?

And that’s the same thing you should ask about COVID…

The Spanish flu lasted from 1918 and ended only in 1920….thats two years… So I gather.. You just have to pick yourself up and get on with life right….

So just keep swimming 🐟

Cat x

Dear Miniature Ficus

.. I don’t understand what’s happening to you… Your older brother is growing so freaking huge… Its taking over… Like THE LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS… remember that movie….

Am I suffocating you with this overwhelming fear that I’m going to kill you slowly…. Are you sad….

Are you going to survive? Am I going to wake up and you’d be gone…

Anyway… The reason for this menial post is… Last night I started writing something… Not a blog post… Just an essay…. And I became so engrossed in what I was writing… That at a certain point I HAD TO take a step back…

I was slipping on cracked ice…. And I knew if I showed anyone this piece…. I’d be crucified… And the feed back would be rash and harsh….

And believe me…. I’ve had some horrific feed back on some of my writing …

And now I’m thinking… Do I just stay curious cat. WordPress and say whatever the fuck I want…

Or do I sell out…and all of a sudden spell check will become so real…

Cat x

Ps… Anyone on meds… Please take them… Anyone you know that’s on it… Be kinder… Cause it’s fucking hard

Ramblings For Real

I must have channeled my inner Nostradamus when I chose this flat… Cause now with this situation we in… I never have to leave my building.. There’s a clicks and Spar here…supper blessed…

I just need people to STOP bulk buying… Cause today… There was no toilet paper and I had to go to the public toilet… And steal one…my neighbors already think I’m shady…like I honestly did NOT mean to accidentally take a drying cloth out of the dryer… When I tried returning it… She just wouldn’t open the door for me.. So I kept it… Don’t come ask me now…. 10 years down the line for it… Cause you bored and spring cleaning… It’s mine now and I like it…

Anyway…. Suppose I do understand why everyone would do this action of bulk buying… It’s just the uncertainty of it all…

Obviously I have an opinion on this Pandemic… But The colours on the magic cube in my brain just haven’t quite aligned as yet… I’m binge watching the Nuremberg trials and ive watched genius…I’ve always been obsessed with Einstein.. season 1 is he’s life story… All very interesting in relation to what’s happening…

I’ve created this little zen space with the full intention of starting my yoga again..

Thank God Zuma’s not the president… Cause Lord help us… We’d be taking 10 showers a day right now.

Please just stay in doors and don’t be a rebel… And never stop laughing ever…

Cat x

Time…

At some point after my last post… Weird things just started happening… Ok…so strange things naturally happens to me… But this is somehow unexplainable…

Whenever I have my eye lashes done… They literally have to tape my eye lids down…. Cause I blink all the time…I always just thought… that Im simply… just one of those people who speak… with their eyes… But today a radical thought crossed my mind…. (no surprise there right)…. What if everytime I blink… I’m jumping in between time…. Like 5 minutes… 5 hours, 5 years… Back and forth…. I need to figure this out…

Anyway… To those who finally caught up with me and needing Xanax…WELCOME… but sorry, I’m not a supplier…. I get mine very legally prescribed… So you know there on the corner by kwaai lappies… R40 a 4mg pill. And how do I know this….

I jump through time… And sadly… That’s the future… Lol

Cat x

The Reality Of How The Other Half Lives..

On new year’s eve… In the lift… A dude that stays in my building .. invites me to he’s rooftop party…..

But first… Let’s talk about the demographics of this building…

1…..20%students

2….30 %normal working class folk

3…50%….whos never worked a day in their life.. And THATS where I’ve landed…

And I say… Toto… We’ve arrived… at…. MOET central…

Says the girl who’s never drank MOET in her life, now siting with two bottles…

And it’s ok that most of them are half my age… and Louis Vuitton had to accompany them to a pool party…

Two bottles of MOET and 8 tequilas later… I have to start pretending that I’m as drunk as they are… For some reason… My pediatric dose if lithium just soakes up the alcohol…. I don’t get drunk…

But ofcourse… I’m not going into the new year without getting laid… So I end up at MOET’s cousins home… Johnny Walker blue… And I’m in absolutely awe with this amazingly designed apartment… He obviously points out that the mirror cost him R8000… Says he has this tech businesses… But he obviously don’t know I’m a human lie detector test….

And I wake up the next morning… And my first thought is…. get out of there!! But the Mary Jane Paul side of me… Starts snooping… And all of a sudden…. I look a bit deeper .. And realise… The rug… is not pure sheep’s wool… The plants are fake… Etc ect etc

So the moral of the story… Money can buy a helluva lot of MOET… .. But not 100% style…

So today… I bump into him again… And lord almighty… The truth came out….. And he takes it rather well… So we redocorating he’s entire flat. And you see… It’s a sign… There are people out there that takes well to the truth…

I’m looking forward to 2020… So should you…

Cat

The Undercurrent

Besides frying my hair once again and going blonde… I had this major epiphany…

So there’s the surface… Where most people live…and never scratch…its ‘THE NORMAL’ … .and then there’s the Undercurrent….

Where people’s real emotions… Intentions… Thoughts… Etc.. Manifest

And I live between both worlds….actually a very scientific explanation to this….

Example… When someone says… What you see is what you get…. Now I can tell whether they lying or not…

And it’s fucking hard…

My entire life… I use to doubt myself… Told myself I’m crazy… Be told by the people… that only exist on the surface… That I’m crazy… Cause no one actually wants to be outed for who they really are….now do they…

And now I need to find the balance…

And I have no idea how….

Cat x

Manual Not Included

I can’t remember my exact age, but in my early teens, my dad said.. we going for a walk..

And so we walked… Until we came to a road where tires were burning , the army was there in big trucks…

They started shooting…

My dad grabbed my hand and we ran… And hid behind the electric box at the church…

We walked home in aboslute silence…

With An unsaid rule of 1, we will not tell anyone what just happened and 2. I absolutely HAVE to remember this day…even though at the time… I had know idea what it was about…

And I never forgot that day… When i was much… Much older…a circle slowly started forming…

And today… That circle completely closed… And it felt like the universe punched me so hard in the gut… So hard that I filled my script for lithium…

And I think to myself… You bloody shit… You left me with no fucking manual…

Cat x

Say What?

I blow dried my hair straight today…

I put on my very illegal skinny dress and shoes…

I got out of the lift.. And Gabriel says…’looking beautiful today Ms Cat’…and I say thank you Gabriel … Cause I feel damn good….

And I get a bitch slap from the usual suspect… But I just smile…

And then I get home… Only to fake 3 orgasm… No, not just one… Three.. I have to take it too that level you see…

And I automatically go into mute mode…

Was that good?

Huhmm… With a fake smile on point

Are you ok?

Huhmm…

Are you sure you not joining us for dinner?

Huhmm…

Am I seeing myself out now?

Huhmm…

You sure you ok?

Huhmm…

The admin… FOR WHAT?? .. But Mauritius is just so beautiful in January …. Lol

And I go downstairs and buy a chocolate soft serve.. And I think to myself… Now THIS is an orgasm…

Cat x