Self Discoveries Part 2 – Gift or Curse

unnamed

06 March 2017 – Rooms of Dr Dennis, Phychiatrist

Cat: Dr Dennis….please don’t have me committed for what you about to hear….as much as I love *J2….I don’t think the food is that great….the sandwiches they use to hand out in the morning on my day visits…were very dry…..

Dr Dennis: Well Catherine….I don’t think you’ll survive one night at* J2…Its very noisy… noise and commotion does not sit well with you.

When a stranger tells me to look up what an empath or *HSP is….I find myself delving into a world that’s borderline science fiction…..so I decided a visit to good ole Dr Dennis (my person of sense and sensibility) would be a good idea.

So this is how he explains it to me:

Dr Dennis: A normal person walks in the road…her brain only takes in what she wants to absorb, she has a choice. She can let go of information that is not important to her. But your brain is wired differently….you walk in the road….and absorb and feel EVERYTHING around you. The faintest smell, sound, emotion, the tiniest detail. You don’t have a choice, your brain is like sponge…..and it stores all this information….Most of the time….you don’t even know this information is up there….When you sleep…you are most vulnerable….and that’s the time your brain frantically tries to process all this info. That is why you sleep, but still exhausted in the morning….your brain can not switch off….so no Catherine….you don’t have psychic powers… The scientific term is sensory processing sensitivity

Cat:  So the girl in PnP didn’t just lie to me about not having mini milk tarts at the back….I Imagined it right?

Dr Dennis: No, you didn’t ….you’ve interacted with her before …and your brain stored her usual tone of voice, mannerisms and facial expression…like with every single person you encounter or that’s in your life.  Whether it’s only 1 second or every day. That is how detailed the information is you take in…..It’s virtually impossible for people to hide their real emotions from you.  This doesn’t even begin to explain your own emotions… sadness, confusion, hurt, disappointment, anger…..multiply that by 100 than that of a ‘normal’ person….sometimes this overwhelming feeling is that bad….you literally feel like disappearing….hence your little night time trips to the ER over the years.

Cat: Very funny Dr Dennis….So how do I fix this? Do we get *Dr Shepherd to rewire the situation?

Dr Dennis: ( smiles….he obviously watch grey’s anatomy) You can’t…your were born like this…a happy inquisitive child….but dreadfully moody and ‘shell’ like you call it …at times…I can only help you manage your sleep….but that is why Dr Kajieker at J2 sent you for occupational therapy and not psychotherapy….to teach you coping mechanisms. And if you really think about it….you’ve already naturally created some coping mechanisms yourself over the years…some of which may seem quirky to people.

Cat: Like obsessively going to bed at 8pm…its kills people when they hear that…lol….walking around with earphones with the same song on repeat for weeks…not willingly subjecting myself to negative information I can’t control like Facebook, the news or newspapers…etc. etc.

Dr Dennis: Exactly…

Growing up as a child…whenever I cried….*Delia’s famous last word…”Why are you crying, would you like me to give you something to cry about?” ….so naturally as an adult…when I cried…there just had to be a good reason for it right? So over the years I latched on to just about anything to justify the uncontrollable tears …Like my dog that ran away 10 years ago….geez…get over it already….but not for one second did I ever think the tears and emotions….is not always about me….but everything to do with who and what was around me.

Dr Dennis: Catherine, only 20% of the world’s population has this trait on the level you have it….that’s why random strangers in the mall gravitate towards you and tell you their problems. It’s a gift…

Cat: More like a bloody curse 😦

So much info on the web regarding this, but perhaps read the following article:http://liveboldandbloom.com/08/self-improvement/empath-traits-of-highly-sensitive-person

*J2 – psychiatric department at Grooteschuur hospital

* Delia – AKA my mother

*HSP – Higly Sensitive Person

 

Advertisements

Self-Discovery Part 1

dav

When I got home on Friday….there was one of those huge flying cockroaches laying at my front door. It was on its back…legs kicking, obviously injured and busy dying…..I just stood there wondering what I should do…..shove it off the stairs… or kill it…..put it out of its pain and misery…..but  I couldn’t get myself… to just do it.

Someone asked me this question…..”Would you be friends with you?”

My immediate response was….NEVER…..why the heck would I want to be friends with someone that spends 15 minutes of her time pondering the life or death of a cockroach….what sane person does that… lol

But then it made me think….imagine a world,  where I never had to explain… justify, be judged, but most importantly… categorised…. for my each and every word or action. A world full of people.. just …like… me….who genuinely understands.

I went to the Medicross last week, as I had an excruciating headache and was a little feverish…but emotionally I felt strong…..but after just 30 minutes in a room full of sick people, the tears just started rolling down my face….the man sitting next to me…started talking to me…and in conclusion of our conversation, he told me to look up what an Empath is and also the studies of Dr Elaine Aron and Dr Judith Orloff….which I obviously did…I’m not called Curious Cat for nothing 🙂

I’m doing this post in two parts as I hate overwhelming you with my words….so will post my findings in part two

So ask yourself the question…would you be friends with you?

Have a good week peeps

Cat x

The BIG Love…

On her death bed, my paternal grandmother said she was married to my father’s father…..but upon further investigation…..I discovered that she was only married to two men….and it was definitely not my grandfather….

So why would she make a statement like that? I suspect she dreamed about this man her entire life and held on… and believed this fantasy up until the day she died….So was Motibhai (Pat) her BIG love?

Do we only have that one person we truly love… and the rest… before or after is just unnecessary administrative fluff?

I mean….my maternal grandmother married her BIG love twice…..and he still hurt her….

And what is true love actually….how do you know when you’ve found it?  Are we all just walking around lying to ourselves…but deep down in our heart we know the truth?

I always believed that true love can withstand anything…..but from my own experience this past year and thinking about my grandparents…. I feel like I was clearly very wrong. Perhaps you sometimes just miss THAT boat…. and wait and settle for the next boat to come around….that turns out to be the Titanic…so bright, new, shiny and full of hope…..but we all know what happened to the Titanic right…epic fail…

What a load of crock…..my brain literally pains when I think about these things…so I’ve decided finding that true love shouldn’t be giving you an aneurysm…..it’s not something you look for or pine after….it’s something that just happens.

Wishing everyone a prosperous 2017……….full of love and happiness…

Cat x

Visit: www.national.archives.gov.za/naairs_content.htm  if you feel the need to dig into your family history a little (while you wait for your BIG love…lol)

 

Radio Silence

 

IMG_20161217_065304.jpg

 

They say people come in and out of your life for a reason.

The hardest part of grasping this notion is understanding and realising why they are there… and why they have to leave at the time that they do.

It’s appreciating their value when they are there, whether it’s good or bad……and letting go gracefully when they leave.

And sometimes, on very rare occasions…..they come back….and even though life happened in-between….it feels like they’ve never left….and the bond you shared many years ago…is even stronger than before….

This is what I’ve learned this past year….and I’m eternally grateful to God for that one person…. that came back into my life…when I needed it the most.

I’m officially on leave….and for the first time in months, I feel like I can finally exhale….Whitney Houston’s lyrics are so legit 🙂

I have big plans for my life and my little blog in 2017….but for now…I need to go into “radio silence” mode. I  need to switch off….

Thank you to everyone that supports, read, and appreciate the crap I write with so much dedication 🙂

Have a blessed festive season and a very happy New year.

Till 2017 Insha Allah

Cat x

Project Tinder…

It’s downhill to the end of 2016 and I’m mentally and physically exhausted beyond words. It’s been a tough year all around… and I’m at the point where I have to make some serious life decisions…..something I’m not very good at…..so what do I do instead….

I join Tinder out of sheer curiosity and to see what the hype is about.

Lyn….I know you are the only person that reads my blog… that wouldn’t have a cooking clue what Tinder is…So this is for you…

Tinder is a dating website/app…It brings up random pictures of guys….You swipe right if you like someone and left if you don’t….you don’t know who swiped right on your profile, but if you and a dude both swipe right on each other’s pic, you a match. Apparently there’s some algorithm to the process….but its way to scientific for me …

I swipe through Tinder when I’m bored….like when I’m on the toilet…. or with Namhla, when we looking for some entertainment…….we have so much fun….she cracks me up…and gets genuinely angry when I Tinder without her…lol

I swipe right on random people….like pharmacist…I mean…just imagine a world with Xanax on tap right 🙂

So here’s my findings:

  1. 90% of guys on Tinder are only looking for a ‘hook-up’…no strings attached situation. I’m yet to find a guy that’s really looking for love and marriage
  1. I’ve become the agony aunt of Tinder…. 99% of the guys I match with…I end up giving them relationship advice….its hysterical….

img_20161210_073259

  1. 80% has pictures of themselves hiking or their abs….I mean the abs I still get…but the hiking….what the HELL is that all about…I can’t even deal.
  1. Females on Tinder takes it VERY serious. It’s not a game or Carte Blanche investigation to them…they looking for the full package, which includes a white picket fence….their bio (the part where you describe yourself, interest, hobbies etc.)…it’s full on legit. I mean their entire life story. I get so sad for them….
  1. I’m amazed at the wide variety of people on Tinder….from plumbers to peadiatricians, pilots, ecologist, CEO’s….and obviously the ones that’s “self-employed”…that’s the most popular one.

So Tinder has now officially told me…. I’ve run out of guys…lol… So I deleted the app….

Advice for anyone looking for a serious relationship, be wise….it’s very deceitful, but don’t give up…I know someone that’s engaged to their Tinder match  🙂

 

Cat x

Sisters

img_20161202_073624

Today is my sister’s birthday. Our birthdays are 5 days apart…and even though by dad passed away on the day of my birthday….I sometimes forget that a funeral was being planned on hers…(and Delia’s…as hers is tomorrow)

I remember coming home from a picnic with my ouma…..we got Delia at the gate and she looked all flustered….she told me I mustn’t worry, she’s going to fetch my brother…I assumed from the mountain….cause that’s where I came from 🙂

But my ‘brother’ turned out to be a sister called Jessica.

I felt she started walking way too early for my liking…I use to sit in amazement and watch her climb the burglar bar gate…..right to the top…and when I asked Delia why she’s like that….she told me they gave her wild blood… during a blood transfusion when she was in the incubator at red cross hospital….I accepted that explanation….cause that made allota sense to me.

We are 6 years apart, so growing up and until recently, we were never on the same page i.e… I was an adult when she was a teenager…so we never connected and she’s very strong willed. Only now we’ve started putting all the pieces of the puzzle together and realised how similar we actually are. Sometimes she looks so vulnerable…and I look at her thinking… I just want to wrap you up and keep you safe.

I will do anything for her….cause I know the feeling is mutual.

Happy Birthday Jess

Cat x

 

If Only Right?

I have a seriously complex personality (you will either love me, hate me or be very confused)….I don’t collect friends like stickeez. I choose who I allow into my life, very carefully….but when I do love…..I love with my entire heart.

I feel like this is a flaw in my personality and its annoying, as when one of those people are removed from my life, whether through death or circumstance….it destroys me, it breaks my heart…and I’m inconsolable at times. Last night, I thought….Couldn’t Dr Burke and Dr Bailey …open up my chest, connect my heart to a bypass machine…AND JUST FIX IT….but sadly life is not an episode of Grey’s Anatomy and there’s absolutely nothing physically wrong with my heart…

Sometimes the wound is just too deep to heal….So what do you do? You get up, pull up your big girl panties, dry your tears and go for a good old hair cut…cause if you going to learn to live with a broken heart that cannot be fixed…your hair AT LEAST need to look fresh right?

I’m grateful to have people in my life who accept and love me for who I am….I can count them on one hand…and that’s ok. I realise, that I cannot and shouldn’t….change for anyone…and neither should you. Pretending to be someone that you are not, major admin…and I’ve seen and experience first-hand what that does to a person’s sole…

OK, so perhaps I should learn that the many….and I mean MANY…. thoughts that cross my mind constantly … should not necessarily be funnelled through my mouth into actual words, but Rome weren’t built in one day hey 🙂

Cat x

 

Marco Polo

marco-polo-netflix

My best friend growing up, Rene…she use to LOVE watching the old dubbed Kung-Fu movies….how the side effects came after the punch ( Remember those…).…but I was never interested, the fighting scenes bored me to death.

But the history nerd that I am, started watching the Netflix series Marco Polo…OMG…another level of good. The Kung Fu fighting and war scenes are out of this world amaaaaazing…………and I spent hours watching the making of the series on Youtube

So, Marco Polo, the son of a Venetian merchant, travels with he’s father on the spice route through the east…ends up meeting Kublai Khan …and later becoming one of he’s most trusted advisors. Kublai was the Khagan of Mongolia, who broke down the great wall and invaded China…

I’m not sure why people are still wasting their time watching Game Of Thrones really…..It’s just become so tedious and monotonous.

So WATCH MARCO POLO PLEASE….anyone….so I can have someone to talk too about it.

So here’s my list

Best to date:

Marco Polo

Addicted:

Law and Order SVU (I have a very special kind of love for Olivia Benson (Valkenberg admission… obsessed… in love) In my dreams I name my children, Olivia and Benson J

Grey’s Anatomy (Don’t ever watch it when you feeling MEH though…tear jerker of note this one)

Most watched

Sex and the City

Story Line

How to get away with murder

Breaking Bad (I still haven’t watched the last episode….it’s called denial that it’s over)

Sitcom

Two Broke Girls (I’m not a fan of sitcoms cause I don’t laugh at shit…It takes a special kind of person to make me laugh- Sophie kills me)

Lost Interest but still watching:

Shameless (I can already see Svetlana selling the babies)

Game of Thrones (I’m so over winter)

Suits (a hot guy in a suit…need I say more?)

Miss dearly

Weeds

Cat x

 

 

Disclaimer

Please note that everything said on this blog….is purely MY opinion and my opinion alone… I come up with this shit… all on my own….with a little help from my dearest friend Xanax…the peeps at J2 ward at Grooteschuur hospital… and an imagination that makes Wonderland just seem lame.

Under absolutely no circumstances am I forcing anyone to read it…..but I do strongly insist that you subscribe… right there…where it says enter your email address….just enter your damn email address… cause I still send Christmas cards ok….

And if you already subscribing…shukran

Cat x

Life in a Tree House

Two months ago, I was asked for my address at the video store (ha-ha….yes, you actually still get video stores)…..I just stared at the girl in total numbness….cause I couldn’t answer her….I had no address….I had no permanent home of residence, so in actual fact, I was homeless.

Ok, so I weren’t living in a cardboard box on the street…but for the first time I caught a small glimpse of what it’s like not to have a roof over your head….and it’s not a good feeling at all.

I was looking at flats for two months, stressing my ass off…but in the end, in true Cat style, I literally found a place over night….the day before I had to move out of my temporary lodging.

And now….I’m living in a tree house :-).… sush KattyW….it’s a tree house…allow me to believe that ok….lol.

I’ve always been obsessed with tiny and unique houses, well…anything miniature. I have an entire Pinterest board dedicated to small houses…:-) Check it out…https://za.pinterest.com/catgen/tiny-houses/

So my tree house is not the fancy flat I looked at in The Citadel….and there’s absolutely no space to grapevine (Sorry Jane Fonda)…..but I’m LOVING it and it’s exactly what I need for now. I also get to see my brother every day… as its on his route to work and they pick me up in the morning….and yawl know how much I love my brother….and it’s not just for 20% discount he gets from the Body Shop 🙂

So whenever you find yourself saying…”I’m not doing that great, but I’m grateful to have a roof over my head”….mean it..cause the struggle is so real.

Cat x